My Horoscope said I’m ok :)

It’s been a crazy ride, yeah?

It is really hard for me to believe that November isn’t over already.

It feels like November was a raging ocean and quiet creek all at the same time.

I mentioned in my previous post that I tend to have time blindness but I feel like this is much different. November was actually a black hole. In the span of three weeks, I realized I always had everything I’d ever need but I lost some things that I thought I’d want to keep longer. And all of that was really uncomfortable.

So much has happened in such a short period of time.

So, I have an analogy.

It’s kind of like when a car crashes and crumples from the impact.

This eternity crumpled in on itself, contorting years down into days and months into mornings and back again. I personally watched the sun rise so many times this past month and I still feel like maybe I blinked a few hundred thousand hours by somehow.

I really feel like I went through a few different storms tbh

And that could just be because I’m such a busy bee. I feel good and alive when I have a few different projects going at once. This month a lot of the things I pursued were brand new to me and I really took my time with everything I could.

I look around my studio at all the sticky notes on my filing cabinet and acrylic studies lying around and I think I can actually feel the strokes of time stored away in them. I spent this whole entire week working almost exclusively on this one piece, “Banefully Unbothered” and I feel like when I look at that painting I see five sun rises (so far). I see the endless doomscrolling that inspired me. I see a dilation in the fabric of time operating like a filing pocket.

I think this week I’m learning to appreciate how far time truly can stretch out in front of me. I’m learning that the time not only passes no matter what, it doesn’t rush itself. No matter what I feel, what I do or don’t accomplish I’m still gonna have to get through the full 24 hours in my day. And there’s no wrong way to do that, but it’s not something I want to take for granted.

Ever since stepping into this new headspace, things have been more interesting than ever.

This past month things have just seemed a bit more interesting and consequential. For no particular reason, I just feel like now is the time I want to be romanticizing my life for better or worse. It’s a bit weird to say as a Leo, but in the past I’ve tried a bit harder that I think I realized to “blend in”. I really wanted to beat the “Main Character Syndrome” allegations for a long time. But I think I’m coming back around to the idea that it’s harmless. I think it’s ok to want to be an interesting person with an interesting life that others find interesting.

I think that’s like, the whole point of being a social species. And I think that’s extra the point of being an artist. So, I’m just giving myself permission to fulfill that prophecy.

I’m confronting so many truths about myself and

It amazes me how, after almost three decades, I’m still learning about myself and my wishes. And I guess that’s natural, but it doesn’t make it any less inspiring to me.

Sometimes I feel like Rebecca Sugar did irreparable damage to my brain with the character Rose Quartz, because I really and truly romanticize being human so hard now because of her. I think that also just illustrates how much of an impact art has on people and culture.

Somehow I still have another Ego Death to get through?

I think that on this journey I can expect my vision to grow and my ego to shrink.

I hope to be able to take myself even less seriously so I can have more fun.

I’m really interested to see what the last week of November will bring me. I don’t anticipate it’ll be anything too crazy, but you truly never know. More than likely I think next week will be spent thinking a bit about next month.

I put in some really good work so far and I’m proud of the foundation I’ve established for myself.

It just feels like I’m going through another spiritual growth spurt or something right now.

I feel, and my horoscope agrees, that this is a period of intense growth all around, but especially spiritually.

And it’s reflected in my art, because it’s reflected in my art practice.

I feel like, this month really reminded me that this is a journey.

And it’s finally time to internalize that statement.

This is a journey, not an assignment.

Not a project.

Not even a marathon.

My life’s dreams are long and meandering.

This journey is more of a curious one, rather than one that rewards efficiency